Today I gave in into my emotions. Today I gave in into the deep feelings of emptiness I have been feeling since I came back from Hawaii to Provo. Provo seems so gray, empty and so lonely. Could it be because it is cold or the sun does not shine as it does in Hawaii? Or could it be because the people who are close to me are not here? Or both? Something feels different. It is like I am a different person. May be traveling does this to you? But why do I feel this way? I was not expecting to feel this way after my trip. However, as I was pondering about the reasons why I could be feeling this void and looking for ways to get some inspiration, I found something Jaren Meldrum wrote long time ago. He said:
" I will not try to suppress or lie about my feelings. I am not afraid to cry or be vulnerable. I form relationships very openly and willingly. I love to love people. I love to learn about others. I love to share experiences with them. I think I form deep friendships so willingly because they are a source of the strongest emotions in my life. I don’t consider myself to be an emotionally out-of-control person, but I like to feel strong emotions; it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel human. I believe emotions and emotional awareness separate us as a species. I seek to understand myself. When I feel something, I want to understand why. It makes me unafraid to feel strong emotions. I hope to never shy away from embracing an emotion head on."
When I read this, I allowed myself to freely feel human and learn from my emotions today. I stopped ignoring my hollowness. It was refreshing. I remembered how good and normal that is. Today, I allowed myself to freely cry for the loneliness I feel right now. I am still getting used to the fact that I need to make some important decisions without any input of a parent. It is not easy and sometimes I can't help to be afraid to make a mistake that may hurt someone I love. It is going to be Mother's Day next Sunday and the adds and the many mothers I see around really make me miss my mother these days. Sometimes it feels that the more time passes, the more I feel the empty spot she left in my heart. And, besides my mother, today I allowed myself to miss my roommates from this past semester, my friends, and especially my best friend.
I watched " Les Miserables" in Hawaii for the first time last Tuesday. It really touched me the song " Empty Chairs and Empty Tables" that the character Marius sings. The lyrics of that song really reached me because sometimes despite how much hope for things to stay the same, we are granted limited time with the people we love. Life brings and takes away. Time comes and goes, and with it people. I have seen so many people come and go in my life and it felt like my heart could sing like Marius: " There is a grief that can't be spoken. There is a pain that goes on and on. Phantom faces at the window. Phantom shadows in the floor. Empty chairs and empty tables. Where my friends will meet no more." Is there any meaning behind this missing? Is there a purpose behind these feelings?
To allow my true feelings flow today, it allowed me to learn. I feel a special sense of gratefulness for the emptiness I felt today. It reminded me that life is eternal and so are our relationships with people. Thanks to our Father in Heaven this is possible and I am so grateful for this to Him. It helped me to be grateful for the mother I have and for the things that she taught me. There may be a reason why she is not here today. There may be some growth that I need to make that is not going to come otherwise. I am grateful to know that our Heavenly Father trusts me this much. I am grateful for the interactions I have had with different people, who have come and go at different times of my life, and for the conversations I have had with them over what they are now " empty chairs and empty tables." Memories are a strength to me. In the same way, I am grateful for family. In Hawaii I learned that the history of the earth testifies that we belong to a big family. " Our ancestors live among us." And ultimately, I am very grateful for my best friend. Though we are more than 2, 889 miles apart, we are close despite the distance. Though we are two imperfect people, our friendship is true and it is perfect and celestial in its own way despite the obstacles we sometimes encounter. My best friend makes my life very beautiful.
The "empty chairs and empty tables, the phantom faces in the windows and the phantom shadows in the floor" today turned my emptiness into gratefulness... They reminded me that there was life there...and I am blessed to have had it.